Shadows of Methuselah by @helixfungus


Be Prepared for the review of a lifetime! Be Prepared for sensational suggestions!

Helix requested I do a more in-depth review and help find as many typos as I could.



Opening dialogue



[12:21] [NPC] Soran Trane speaking. I’m the captain of a trade vessel, the “Santa Maria”, I picked up a distress signal in Holberg system, moments before warping out of the system. I know this can seem convenient, but we did not have fuel enough to turn the ship around and warp back to Holberg. We did not spot any, but there were rumours of Elachi presence in the system. Will you answer this hail…? Go in the Kei System, Sirius Sector, to accept 
Put a period after Maria, get rid of the comma. Remove the comma before “moments.” Rumors is mispelled.

Holberg asteroid field

Officer: Sir…? I do pick Elachi warships, according to what that Soran Trane character said… Soran Trane was the dude who appeared in the grant mission dialog… Captain of the trade vessel “Santa Maria” 
I suggest changing “I do pick” to, “I am picking up Elachi Warships, just like Soran Trane said.”
I also noticed you had a mention of who the guy was. I am not sure if yer intending perfect immersion, but if so, I suggest changing the dialogue some to not have stuff like “dude” in it.
[12:41] [NPC] Captain Soran Trane: His face burst out in the Main Screen Vice Admiral ! We are being blocked at bay by port authority here at Bantralore III ! Surely there must been a misunderstanding.. I clearly stated that we did not answer directly the distress call only because warp process had been already started… 

I suggest changing “burst out in” to “Bursts out on”

I recommend adding the word “have” before “been.” 

I recommend putting “directly” before “answer.

Add a the before “warp.”

12:47] [NPC] Captain Soran Trane: sighing Well, yeah, I admit I cut a long story short on the Elachi… we saw them attacking that civilian ship, and we simply run away as fast as we could… 
Recommend saying “Sorane sighs” in the OOC text. Change “run” to “ran.”

12:49] [NPC] Your Tactical Officer: We got a fix on the Elachi squad position. I already passed nav data to helm console, sir 
Add a “the” before “helm.”

[12:52] [NPC] …: Thank to heavens you are here… please, have a lock on me and transport me by beam… the reactors have been ripped by those monsters ! Everything will blow up any minute !! 
Change “to” to “the.” I recommend removing “by beam.”

I have noticed a lot of your yellow OOC text does not begin with capital letters. I suggest changing this as it functions just like a normal sentence.

[12:56] [NPC] Aline Kapec: Uh… your turbolift is so fast… my head is spinning a bit… when you see her, your heart almost stops. She is one of the most beautiful woman you ever met 
Add a “have” before “ever.”

Excellent trigger work with the planet.


[1:01] [NPC] Aline Kapec: It doesn’t work that way. The Elachi dwell into subspace very much like us, if not more. Maybe they wish to use this part of subspace… found already occupied made them angry… but with your help we will ensure our safety… her smile almost chokes off you of beauty… 
Change “wish” to “wished.” Change the 3rd sentence to, ” instead they found it already occupied which made them angry…”

I recommend changing it to “Her smile’s beauty almost leaves you breathless.”

[1:07] [NPC] Your Guest: suddenly appears in the Main Screen That would not be necessary… Let me present… I am Flint, the responsible of this planet… I don’t like the word “ruler”, but I have to admit I am that too 

Change “let me present” to “Let me explain.” Put “man” in front of “the responsible.”

Add a period after too.

1:09] [NPC] Flint: Please… do not be alarmed. We are a peaceful society. Can I invite you her on Rayna ? It’s a beautiful world… and then I can explain why you should help with those Elachi 
I suggest changing “Can I invite you her” to “Can I invite you all to Ranya?

Add a period after Elachi.

1:11] [NPC] Your Science Officer: Confirmed. Seems we are gone into a subspace pocket of some sort, big a couple AU in diameter. No signal could ever hope to reach out, unless we could see the values of this subspace field… and I can get no info from within it… Maybe our guest, Mr. Flint, should help… 

Change the second sentence to “Seems we are inside a subspace pocket of some sort.”

Remove big in “a couple AU.”


Rayna Ground

1:22] [NPC] Flint: Welcome on Celeste Florence. This city has seen better days though. Thanks to the Elachi, we’re going backwards… but that tide maybe has come to a stop with your arrival… 
Change “on” to “to.”


Change “maybe has come to a stop with your arrival” to “but that tide may change with your arrival.”


[1:24] [NPC] Flint: Sadly we can’t allow that. This haven can’t be ruined by external influences. Here we experiment an ideal society, where everyone can experience the extreme gift… a very, very healthy and extended life. I know the military of any star power I know will ruin this place and my discovers to martial assets… steering away from my vision… 
Put “as” before an in the sentence, “Here we experiment as an ideal society”
Change “discovers” to “discovery.”

1:26] [NPC] Flint: Well, the basic idea came from that. Moreover I got repair at cellular level. A dematerialize-rematerialize cycle per day suffice to stop the aging process, and you can have it done in a quarter of second without that dramatic sparking effect of yours… wherever you are on the planet 

Put “a” before repair.

1:28] [NPC] Flint: This is rather obvious, and was one of the reasons we protected ourselves shifting Rayna in the subspace pocket. Our energy source is far more powerful than your warp engines… but you may ask anything at the tech personnel here… including questions on our way of life here on Rayna… I have to go now, the Elachi did extensive damage, and now I have to foresee restoration… If you excuse me… 

Put “by” before “shifting.”


[1:35] [NPC] M12: Yes. Their ageing process is not stopped until they reach the Coming of Age, approximately 20 Earth Std Years. But they can grow even older, if it’s their wish 
Change “ageing” to “aging.” 

Change “Std” to “standard.”

Add a period after wish.

This is a nice custom map.

A very nice city! Good work!

My boffs got trapped inside before. That may have just been my fault and not paying attention to their pathing.

[1:50] [NPC] Aline Kapec: your communicator buzzes Now the fighting is over for at least a day… that d****d monsters have to lick their wound that long, they beheved in this manner during the past attacks… Hey… cheer up… we can meet at the place I described you… it’s really something I need to show you ! 
Behaved is misspelled. C
Change “that” to “those.”

You need to add a waypoint to the “At last” objective.

Nice trigger work with the M12.


Elachi Space Base

[1:59] [NPC] Flint: he blasts into main screen It’s my doing… I shifted Rayna and everything in its proximity into an Elachi controlled subspace pocket… During tha last Elachi attacks I perfected a tracking procedure to discover from where they went… 

Change “he blasts into” to “he blasts onto.”
Change “tha” to “the.”

This looks like the Bajoran wormhole map…how did you change its color? This is cool!

[2:06] [NPC] Flint: She is. Demetra is safe. Good. Here the next set of coordinates… that’s where they keep our people… a sort of Elachi space stronghold 
Put “are” before “the” in “the next set.”

[2:10] [NPC] Your Engineer: It’s likely these parked Elachi dreadnoughts are kept in stand-by, with no crew to handle them. We’re lucky, against a similar force we’d suffer a quick sad fate ! Hmm… sir I have an idea ! 

Put “and” before “sad fate.”

Recommend setting the elachi fleet to disappear after you beam the charges and blow them up.


Elachi Space Ground Base

A well made map.

[8:15] [NPC] Jilla Keymann: Thanks for the rescue… you would not believe what they did to me… I need a month into Beam Restoration ! 

Change “into” to “in.”

8:30] [NPC] Your crewman: Can’t believe this readings…

Change “this” to “these.”

Change this contact to a legacy otherwise it spams the message.


[8:31] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: Do not think me as a living being… I am not. I am different story than my “sister”… I discovered to be artificial in nature only 1355 hours after being activated… maybe “dad” worked out our minds to be different. She’s far more emotional than me, I was the logical one… 
Put an “of” before “me.” 

Put an “a” before “different”

Put “was” before “discovered

8:35] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: I… I… my mind is about to shut… down.. permanently… Promise meyou will try your best…. to protect Rayna…. 
Put a space between me and you.


[8:41] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: she suddenly blocks, her eyes wide open… but something about her, inside her, her inner light, seems to be gone forever 

I assume “blocks” should be “blinks.”


Rayna Space

Nothing major to note.


Memorial

8:57] [NPC] Your Engineer: It’s only that this ceremonial dress is so tight… Seems I cannot brathe … 

Breathe is misspelled.



[9:14] [NPC] Seral: We gathered here in memory of three exceptional people. One is the founder of this very world, Flint Marmadir. Behind this name lie millennia of personal experience. Thanks to an unique genetic gift, he was immune to aging and diseases. He was many of the greatest minds of the human world… Leonard of Vinci, Brahms, Pollack… all of them both geniuses and master of arts. His body is no more, so we will substitute it with something that will remember him to the days to come: an altar burning with unwavering flames. 

Change “lie” to “lies.” Add an a after “lies.”


Overall Thoughts: I’m sure there are some things I missed but I really hope this helps a lot in terms of typos or errors. You did well on all of your custom maps. My favorite moment was fighting the Elach in the city.

One issue I found with the”optional love story.” Yes, in some parts it is optional, however, a lot of the dialogue before the optional choices has your character making comments and talking down to the crew as if he already love her. This in turn causes confusion when suddenly you can go from liking the love interest to saying you never had any such thoughts.

Had the comments been more neutral about the character, it would have worked better. Also, I noticed towards the end you had options for female characters. The same kind of issue above also applies here. The whole mission assumes you are playing a male character until the end when you can choose that you were playing on a female. So again, kinda causes confusion and out of place dialogue for a female captain.


I know there is really to much dialogue to go back and adjust it but I recommend keeping this in mind for future playthroughs.

4/5. Well done, keep up the good work!